“I wasn’t living. I was existing.”
::Song of the Post::
First off, before I get into the depth of this post, sorry for the sudden disappearance and Happy New Year’s to all of you! 2014 has been an eventful year – both happy and sad. For me, it was a year that I was lost at cross-roads, and a very difficult one as I try to find “myself”, so to speak. And yet there was a lot of good, as well – in terms of friends, family and all. My condolences to everyone and all families affected by tragedies, whether it be personal or just difficulties in general last year – MH17and MH370 for example. As a fellow Malaysian, I share in suffering the pain of those affected.
2014 was a huge personal struggle for me. Because I’d lost something that I had, that spark that made me want to do things, to go the extra mile. And at the same time, while I seemed strong on the outside, I wasn’t really. I was empty, a wandering husk so to speak. I was almost completely apathetic, and I knew it. The fact that I knew it made me feel guilty and kept me doubting myself, causing me to regress and go back to someone that I thought I wasn’t anymore – someone who had the mindset of living, but not living. Merely existing. Simply put, for most of the year, I was going through it without that spark of motivation, of passion to live.
There were brief sparks of it, but they were snuffed out either immediately or lasted merely awhile. In a way, I was burnt out and tired – just…tired of everything.
I wasn’t living. I was existing.
It was during my end-of-year holidays visiting my sibling in Australia and after that (having a lot of much-needed conversations) that these struck me.
- What am I doing, being this empty person that I know I’m not?
- Why am I not living?
- I know I’m stronger. So why have I given up on myself?
- Have I really lost myself?
- Do I know who I am?
We struggle so much to find the meaning of life, to find out who the “true” us is, but I realized, that we were the results of the choices and decisions that we’ve made, that we were defined by our obstacles that we overcame and how we chose to behave afterwards and act.
To put it simply: Life moulds us, but we’re the one with the choice to either go on as before, or change how we act after.
I had chosen to exist, and not live. I knew that I should have changed, but did I?
I didn’t. I didn’t even try.
I didn’t give it my all. And what made it worse was that I knew it.
I regret it, and I still feel guilty about it.
So here is my personal resolution starting this year:
To live my best, while being the best person I can be.
Thanks for reading. Best wishes.